


Love Language of a Killer

by brownsugarmilktea



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Character Study, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fire, Fluff, Implied Sexual Content, Light Angst, M/M, Murder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:08:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29699634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brownsugarmilktea/pseuds/brownsugarmilktea
Summary: Illumi wants to show Hisoka his love, so he (indirectly) asks his family for advice. But not everything goes as planned.
Relationships: Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck
Comments: 23
Kudos: 155





	Love Language of a Killer

**Author's Note:**

> I'm a bit scared to post it because it didn't turn out the way I wanted but I hope you still enjoy it!
> 
> I wrote this for my friend so thanks for always beta reading my work! <3

Illumi felt uncomfortable.  
  
He was walking home from a job on a chilly, early January night. The mission had been easy; all he had had to do was enter the casino, throw one invisibly shift, perfectly aimed pin and disappearing into the darkness before someone noticed. A routine job he had been able to clear in only a few hours.  
  
At home, Hisoka was waiting for him. Illumi would probably find the magician on their couch with the fireplace lit, or in the kitchen preparing hot chocolate for Illumi to warm up. He always insisted on taking care of Illumi when he returned from work, especially on cold nights.  
  
Usually, Illumi loved being pampered by Hisoka. He had never said it out loud, but they both knew. Though it certainly didn't mean his life was easy, he had been born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Being spoiled was his standard.  
  
When he left the Zoldyck Estate to move in with Hisoka, he had needed some time to grow accustomed to his new residence. Hisoka’s penthouse was luxurious and he hired a housemaid, but it wasn’t Kukuroo Mountain. There were no butlers to do the dirty work, so Hisoka insisted on Illumi helping him with chores.  
  
Fortunately, his lover compensated by indulging him, showering him in affection and little gestures of love. Hisoka cared for Illumi, and he made work of showing him that.  
  
And that was exactly why he was feeling uncomfortable.  
  
For Hisoka, expressing his love went naturally. Despite popular belief, Hisoka could be very attentive and romantic, a side of him Illumi had unknowingly awakened. Warm drinks on cold evenings, braiding Illumi's hair on a quiet night in, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him closer while watching television. All day long the magician took opportunities to kiss or touch him, to remind him of his undying adoration.  
  
Illumi, however, wasn't like that. To him, love was a difficult subject. For a long time the only love he had known was the love among his family. An intense, ruthless, smothering, overly protective kind of love. As a result, it took him a while to even recognize the feelings he had for Hisoka.  
  
After being together for two years, everything was clear. Illumi loved Hisoka, he knew for sure now. But sometimes he had no idea how to tell him. Usually it didn't bother him, but Valentine's day was near. That would be perfect occasion to, for once, show his true feelings.  
  
\--  
  
Later that night, Illumi was lying in bed. His bare back was pressed against Hisoka's chest and two strong arms were gently thrown around his torso. Hisoka was probably asleep already.  
  
Illumi thought about next week. He had to visit the Zoldyck estate because his mother missed him. Sighing, he shifted in his lovers arms.  
  
 _Maybe the family can help,_ Illumi thought. He considered to ask them for advice when he suddenly felt himself being rolled over.  
  
"Go to sleep, Illu," Hisoka muttered as he pressed a kiss on his head.  
  
"I'm sorry," Illumi shyly moved closer and dozed off.

* * *

  
  
**_Kikyo_**  
  
A week later, Illumi was having tea with Kikyo in the Zoldyck Estate. They were having small talk while enjoying a – of course poisoned – cup of ceylon.  
  
"How is the _clown_?" Kikyo asked eventually. She'd never been fond of Hisoka, and she loved to make sure Illumi knew.  
  
"Hisoka is fine," Illumi answered. "Thank you, mother."  
  
 _This could be the right moment,_ he realized. After swallowing, he put down his cup.  
  
"Can I ask you something?"  
  
"Sure, Illumi-dear."  
  
Illumi bit his lip. He didn't want to be too direct, not to his mother. Kikyo was highly sensitive and the slightest misconception could trigger a mental breakdown.  
  
"When we were children," he started carefully, "how did you make sure that we knew you loved us?"  
  
"That's easy, darling," her mouth smiled even though her visor was unreadable. She traced his hand with long, manicured fingernails. "We made sure every single one of you was always protected. The electricity training, the underwater training, the poison training..." she went on. "We want you to be safe."  
  
Of course. Illumi smiled gratefully. "Thank you, mother."  
  
\--  
  
When Illumi was back home a few days later, he decided to give Kikyo's method a try. Hisoka was usually the one to cook, so when Illumi offered to make dinner that night, he raised an eyebrow.  
  
"I want to try something," Illumi replied, and Hisoka carelessly walked out of the kitchen.  
  
Precisely following a recipe, Illumi prepared a fried rice dish, the only difference being the sauce he marinated the chicken in. When he was almost done, he fetched a small, crystal bottle from his pocket. He removed the cork and added a few drops into the condiment before slathering the chicken in it.  
  
Usually when Illumi poisoned his food he would add more, but he had to start with a small amount to build up Hisoka's resistance.  
  
Once dinner was ready, he called Hisoka. They sat down across from each other and both started their meal. Because of the low dosage, the magician was unable to taste the toxic substance.  
  
"Mmm, not bad," he grinned. "Maybe you should cook more often." The validation felt good, so Illumi offered a small smile. Hisoka leaned over the table to kiss him, and together they finished their dinner.  
  
\--  
  
That evening they were together on the couch. Illumi was sitting against the backrest and Hisoka was splayed with his legs placed across Illumi's lap. They had been watching a true crime documentary for a small hour when Hisoka scrunched his face.  
  
"Lumi?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Are you sure –" his already ivory complexion whitened, "are you sure that chicken was well-done?"  
  
"I am sure, yes. Is something wrong?"  
  
But before Hisoka could answer, he jumped up and bolted toward the toilet, hand covering his mouth. Illumi could hear him throw up from where he was seated in the living room.  
  
 _Maybe the poison wasn't the right dosage,_ Illumi thought. He swallowed guiltily and followed Hisoka towards their nearest restroom. When he entered, Hisoka was sitting on his knees, gripping the toilet seat, still vomiting.  
  
Illumi bent down next to him and started rubbing his back until he was finished.  
  
\--  
  
Emptying his stomach seemed to make Hisoka feel better. Half an hour after the accident they were sitting in bed, all fresh and clean, when he threw an arm around Illumi's small waist.  
  
"You're quiet. Did the sight of me disgust you that much?"  
  
Illumi had been silent indeed. He felt bad for intoxicating Hisoka so carelessly. Sighing, he opted to tell him the truth.  
  
"No, it is not about that," he started reluctantly. "I poisoned the chicken because I wanted to build up your resistance. To keep you safe."  
  
Hisoka's nose wrinkled and his face turned serious.  
  
"Why didn't you just tell me?"  
  
Looking away, Illumi thought about an answer. Why _didn't_ he tell him? He could have known Hisoka would get sick the first time.  
  
"I am unsure," he ultimately admitted. The current situation had started to make him feel very uncomfortable. He had just done whatever his mother told him to, without any nuance or preparation. Again, Illumi opened his mouth. "I apologize. I should have informed you."  
  
He assumed Hisoka would get mad at him, ignore him or hit him like his parents always did whenever Illumi did something wrong. He had never been in a similar situation with Hisoka before, so he had no idea what to expect.  
  
But what he didn't expect was Hisoka pulling him closer, close enough for Illumi to count the freckles on his nose. Close enough to cord a hand through Illumi's hair before kissing the skin inbetween his brows.  
  
"It's fine, baby. This is why you never bore me, and I must say I appreciate the idea," he bared his teeth, grinning. "Besides, I'm feeling fine now. I take in poison quite often too. Indirectly, at least."  
  
Illumi tilted his head. "What do you mean? How?"  
  
"By ingesting your... _body fluids,_ of course." Hisoka purred and leaned in for a kiss.

* * *

  
  
**_Milluki_**  
  
Illumi was evaluating a past assassination job, seated behind his desk at home. Milluki had helped him with his drones, because of the high speed of the target. He just got a new prototype, so the brothers agreed to talk about it after Illumi got back home.  
  
While waiting for Milluki's phonecall, Illumi considered asking him for advice. His oldest brother had no experience in love whatsoever, but only Illumi knew about his secret preference for romantic movies and animes.  
  
Right at that moment, his transmitter buzzed. "Hey Milluki," he picked up the phone.  
  
 _"Hi Illumi,"_ Milluki's voice sounded satisfied. They talked about the mission for a while and Illumi made sure to compliment his brother on his new, highly effective method.  
  
After discussing work they had talked about home, the family and their upcoming jobs. Eventually Illumi cleared his throat.  
  
"Milluki, I have one last question."  
  
 _"Go on..."_  
  
"In the most recent anime you watched, about that couple... how did they get together again?"  
  
 _"Huh? Since when do you-"_  
  
Illumi cut him off. "Hisoka might want to watch it, but he does not know what it's about." A bad lie, but he didn't feel fully comfortable telling Milluki about his current struggle.  
  
 _"Mmm, sure... Why don't you just –"_ he paused for a second. _"Nevermind. Illumi, just buy him flowers or something."_  
  
Illumi hesitated. Was Milluki looking through him? Should he admit the truth? Illumi was an extremely talented manipulator, but for some reason, lying wasn't his speciality. And Milluki was his only adult sibling. They grew up with each other and shared a bond held together by mutual trust and understanding. He knew Milluki better than anyone else did.  
  
Knowing this, he eventually gave in.  
  
"Okay. Thank you, Millu."  
  
 _"I got you. Tell Hisoka I said hi. Bye, big brother."_  
  
Illumi exhaled as he ended the call, frustrated that he hadn't been able to fool his brother. Fortunately, Milluki had always been one of the family members that supported his relationship. He didn't care that much, but Illumi knew he wanted him to be happy, also if that meant being with Hisoka.  
  
\--  
  
 _Buy him flowers,_ Milluki had said.  
  
So the next day, when Hisoka was out for some fight he had arranged, Illumi went to the nearest flower shop in the city.  
  
He hated it. The supply was confusing, there were so many different sorts of plants and flowers, and Illumi had no idea what to choose. It was crowded, people were hurrying and rushing around him like a colony of ants. The aroma of so many scents mixed together tingled his strong nose. Illumi felt his annoyance grow in his chest.  
  
Hisoka had brought him flowers countless times, surprising him with a colorful bouquet when he got home every once in a while. Illumi, on the other hand, had never even been in a store like this before.  
  
He briefly wondered how Hisoka could handle a place like this. The amount of people irritated him, it didn't allow him to quietly look around the enormous assortment. He could have just took some of the flowers that grow around Kukuroo Mountain, but those species were highly toxic, and he didn't feel like poisoning Hisoka again was the right idea.  
  
Illumi was trying to sort his options when a woman, probably in her fifties, laid her hand on his lower back in order to move past him. In a split second Illumi had turned around. For a second he considered killing her, making her pay the ultimate price for touching him unprovoked, but he did not want to cause an uproar. He just wanted to go home as soon as possible.  
  
Zeno's words echoed through his head. _"Only kill to complete a contract, Illumi."_ Frankly, he ignored that rule quite often, but today he decided to, for once, it was best to obey his grandfather.

But he wasn't gonna let this woman go unpunished.  
  
Faster than lightning, he snatched the her hand from where it was placed on his back and squeezed, crushing her wrist, shattering her bone. His victim let out a gruesome, piercing scream, demanding the attention of the crowd.  
  
Before anyone could realize what just happened, Illumi was already gone with the wind.  
  
\--  
  
When Illumi returned home in the early evening, Hisoka wasn't there yet. Frustrated by his failed mission, Illumi took a shower, aggressively washing his skin as if trying to rub away his bad mood. The second he dropped himself on the couch, he heard the front door open.  
  
A few moments later, Hisoka entered the living room. Illumi glanced at him and his eyes widened. In one hand he was holding a paper bag, possibly containing food, and in the other hand he was holding a huge, beautiful, colorful bouquet.  
  
 _Of course._  
  
"Good evening, Illu," Hisoka grinned. "Cat's got your tongue?"  
  
"Hi," Illumi slid off the couch and moved towards his lover to greet him.  
  
"I got you flowers. And dinner."  
  
"Why?" Illumi stepped back. He was not in the mood to fall for one of Hisoka's stupid tricks today. The latter immediately closed the distance between them.  
  
"Because you like flowers," he said simply. "And I don't feel like cooking.  
  
When Illumi didn't reply, he continued. "There's no bungee gum involved, I promise."  
  
The assassin scoffed. "Okay."  
  
Together they left to the kitchen to get plates and cutlery for dinner, and to put the flowers in a vase. It was a beautiful bouquet, composed of flowers Illumi had never seen. He admired it silently.  
  
Just like last time, Hisoka apparently missed his usual stream of talking. After a minute he opened his mouth. "Is something wrong?"  
  
Illumi shook his head, not wanting to tell him about his failed plan, and after years Hisoka had learnt not to pry. Instead he lifted Illumi, carefully sat him down on the counter, like he often did. He placed one hand on his knee, the other grabbing Illumi's as he softly collided their lips, determined to erase whatever was bugging him.  
  
Illumi kissed him back, grateful for his gesture, but more than anything deeply frustrated and disappointed by his own failure.  
  
"By the way," he said when he let go. "Milluki said hi."  
  


* * *

  
  
**_Kalluto_**  
  
Several days later, Illumi was sent on a mission with Kalluto. Even though the job itself wasn't that exciting, they had fun. They loved spending time with each other and especially now Kalluto was getting older they were growing closer.  
  
Years ago, when the youngest child just started training, their relationship was mostly like mentor and pupil. Kalluto often was assigned to Illumi, because Silva himself was more focused on molding Killua into the perfect heir. The last four years, however, they had bonded more on a personal level and developed a strong, brotherly love.  
  
Despite their age gap, Illumi and Kalluto trusted and respected one another. When the boy left the estate to join the Phantom Troupe, Illumi was having a difficult time. He disdained the spiders and he wanted to be able to look after his little brother. But when Kalluto told him he liked to be with them, he eventually supported him.  
  
Kalluto also supported Illumi, and he was one of the Zoldycks that was actually happy with Illumi dating Hisoka. For some reason the two got along very well. Even when they split up for a while, Kalluto was the one who asked him about it, the one to tell him he _liked_ Hisoka.  
  
After the contract was completed, Kalluto had agreed to spend the weekend at their place. Illumi insisted on him getting some rest before reuniting with the Troupe, and they enjoyed spending time together. The three of them had had a good time playing games and eating snacks, but Hisoka being so kind to Kalluto did make his anxiety increase.  
  
 _He communicates with Kalluto so easily,_ he thought to himself, _that took you years._  
  
He was happy they got along so well, but the heavy, uncomfortable feeling in his stomach got heavier. Would it be the same without him? Was his presence even necessary?  
  
When he was driving Kalluto back to their hangout, Illumi shot his shot. "Kallu," he started, "you like Hisoka, right?"  
  
His brother nodded. "Mhm."  
  
Illumi swallowed. Was he really going to indirectly ask an eleven year-old for relationship advice?  
  
Sadly, the answer was yes.  
  
"What do you want to do next time you come over?"  
  
Kalluto tilted his head. "I want to go on a picnic. Like we used to do on Kukuroo Mountain. Do you remember?" His purple eyes sparkled. Illumi did remember.  
  
When Kalluto was about four years old, they would have picnics on the property every once in a while. He and Milluki would bring leftovers from lunch outside, and the three of them used to eat it together. It always was a rare moment of peace and happiness between the three of them.  
  
For a long time Silva and Kikyo didn't know, as they were occupied monitoring and testing Alluka, or training Killua.  
  
No one paid attention to the three of them, so no one noticed.  
  
Until they did.  
  
That one time, butler Tsubone had followed them outside after she saw Milluki take a plaid they could sit on, and without letting them know she had immediately told their father. Silva had quietly lectured Illumi, sternly told him sweet behavior like this could ruin his brothers.  
  
As a punishment, Illumi had been forced to eat every meal outside when it became winter, despite the snowy, freezing weather. Three times a day for the entirety of three months, cold and alone. After that, they never went on a picnic anymore.  
  
The memory made Illumi's chest tighten. Until now he hoped Kalluto had forgotten about it.  
  
"You know what, Kallu?" He looked down at his brother and smiled. "I will find the best location together with Hisoka, and next time you come over, we will have a picnic."  
  
And he meant it. His main focus had been showing his fondness to Hisoka, but Illumi would still do everything in his power to make Kalluto happy.  
  
 _He might be a talented manipulator and a notorious gang member,_ Illumi realized when Kalluto smiled back to him, _but in the end, he is still a child._  
  
The next time Kalluto slept over, Illumi would take him on a picnic.  
  
But first, Hisoka.  
  
\--  
  
When Illumi had asked Hisoka to come outside with him, he had easily agreed. Unlike himself, Hisoka loved surprises and he was excited to see what his lover had planned. Illumi led him to the park – without mentioning he had threatened the regulators to send other visitors away.  
  
He had packed some food and a blanket from home, and Hisoka had insisted on carrying it. Illumi had refused, so the magician had grabbed it from him with bungee gum and carried it anyway. When they reached their destination, Illumi finally found a little bit of satisfaction.  
  
"So, Illu," Hisoka started when Illumi slowed their pace. "What's your plan?"  
  
"I want to have a picnic."  
  
Hisoka chuckled. "A picnic? That's... _unexpected."_  
  
Illumi's stomach sank a little and their eyes met. "Do you not like it?"  
  
Hisoka's free hand snatched Illumi's and he pulled him closer. "I do," he placed a butterfly kiss on the corner of his mouth. "You're just full of surprises, sweetheart." Another small kiss.  
  
Illumi scoffed awkwardly. He took the bag from Hisoka and started to unpack it.  
  
\--  
  
For the first time since his new mission, Illumi's plan seemed to work. They had been sitting on the blanket together, enjoying the food Illumi brought. Hisoka had tried to shove a hand down Illumi's pants twice, but apart from that, everything went according to plan.  
  
Twenty minutes into their date, Illumi wanted to fetch a fruit salad he had bought specially for Hisoka, but all of a sudden he felt the wind strongly blowing through his hair. In a few seconds, the sky darkened and an icy chill fell over them.  
  
"Illumi?" Hisoka looked up at the sky. "Did you check the weather before we went out?"  
  
 _Oh._  
  
Illumi hesitated, "I have not."  
  
Before Hisoka had a chance to reply, they heard thunder rumble in the sky. "Let's go home then."  
  
He grabbed Illumi's hand and together they sped home as hail came crashing down, drenching them, thunder and lightning filling the air.  
  
\--  
  
Arrived home, Hisoka had immediately opted to take a shower together. Both men were soaked and ruffled from the sudden hailstorm, thus Illumi had agreed.  
  
So here they were. Hisoka was standing behind Illumi, caressing his scalp with long nails. After washing his hair properly, he snaked his arms around Illumi's waist and pulled him closer to his chest.  
  
"Thank you for taking me out."  
  
Illumi hummed absently.  
  
"Are you upset?"  
  
He was. He was upset he couldn't grant Kalluto's one wish of finding a spot and he was upset that another one of his plans had failed.  
  
"Lumi?" Hisoka tried.  
  
Illumi was upset he couldn't give Hisoka what Hisoka gave him. And it was unfair that Hisoka saw through his pokerface. The thought sent a shiver down his spine, and he replied with one simple nod.  
  
Fortunately, Hisoka was not in the mood to ask. Instead he continued hugging Illumi, rocking their bodies together and smooching his face. Due to his growing frustration, Illumi savored none of it.  
  
"Oh.. well, I'm not," Hisoka chuckled against the shell of his ear and pressed a kiss on his jaw. "In my opinion, the day ended well."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
Illumi twitched when suddenly one hand grabbed his peck, palm brushing his nipple. He felt Hisoka's other hand sliding up his inner thigh, sending a hot wave of sensation down his body.  
  
"Sweet Illu," Illumi shuddered as Hisoka's soft lips kissed a trail from the sensitive skin beneath his ear down to his neck. "You will see."  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 ** _Zeno_**  
  
Illumi was back at the estate for a few days. The evening before his flight back to York New, he was lounging in front of a fireplace with Zeno. They were having small talk, enjoying some highly expensive wine – that wouldn't affect either of them.  
  
"How is Hisoka?" Zeno asked after a while.  
  
Illumi bit his lip. For a second, he considered telling his grandfather about his ongoing problem. Unlike his son and daughter-in-law, Zeno liked Hisoka. Illumi wasn't sure if that was because of his mischievous attitude, his strength, his ability to make Illumi happy.. or just because his presence annoyed Kikyo.  
  
"Fine," he eventually said. He decided he didn't want to discuss this. Not right now. This was not the time to show weakness.  
  
"When did you plan to go home again?" Zeno was the only one who acknowledged the apartment as Illumi's home. Silva and Kikyo would always refer to their place as _the clown's house_ or simply York New.  
  
"Tomorrow."  
  
"Come with me, child."  
  
He stood up and left the room, casually walking with his hands behind his back. Illumi furrowed his eyebrows in surprise, but curiously followed him through the dark halls of the mansion.  
  
Zeno stopped walking when they reached one of his private rooms; Illumi had never been in this chamber before.  
  
"Now, if you give me a moment..."  
  
Illumi nodded, still confused about what Zeno was up to. After a minute or two, he came back, holding a small, black sachet in his hand.  
  
"Take this, Illumi," he smiled cunningly. "You seem very tense, this might help you feel relaxed." He patted his grandson's back. "Share it with Hisoka. Don't tell your father."  
  
Illumi took the sachet from him, not knowing what's inside. "What is it?"  
  
"Open it when you're home. You should go to bed now, it's late. Good night, Illumi."

"Okay. Sleep well, grandfather."  
  
\--  
  
The next day, Illumi arrived back in York New. He had done as Zeno had told him and not opened the mysterious little bag. When he arrived home Hisoka had been there to greet him, but things felt different.  
  
Usually Illumi was very excited to arrive, and Hisoka was always glad to have him back home, safe and unharmed. The magician and the Zoldycks tolerated each other, but he knew Hisoka was the most content when Illumi was with _him_ , when he safely held him in his arms, not having to share him with anyone. The moments when it was just the two of them, and nothing else mattered.  
  
Illumi was possessive, but so was he.  
  
And in a way he liked Hisoka's possessiveness. He knew the magician had never cared about anyone before, and in a way it only showed how enamored he was with Illumi, how much he wanted him for himself. Hisoka's greediness satisfied him, because they both felt the same way.  
  
But today, Hisoka's welcoming kisses felt a little less intoxicating. His strong arms tightly wrapped around Illumi's body felt a little less comforting and when they had sex on the couch later that night, Hisoka's thrusting, his lovebites and the praises he whispered in Illumi's ear felt a little less satisfying.  
  
Illumi was running out of ideas, and he had started to feel anxious. He couldn’t really enjoy his intimate moments with Hisoka anymore. He was frustrated, knowing that his lover could be affectionate so easily without even doing his best. At the same time, Illumi barely could when he tried.  
  
Hours after Illumi's return, he and Hisoka were sitting on the couch, sharing a blanket. When Illumi pulled his legs up to his chest, he suddenly felt Zeno's package in his pocket. He fetched it.  
  
"Grandfather gave me something", he started, "and he told me we have to share it."  
  
Hisoka raised an eyebrow. "What is it?"  
  
"I do not know." He slowly opened the sachet, and a strong, herbal smell escapes from it. Black orbs narrowed and Hisoka raised his eyebrows.  
  
"I think it contains.. weed." Illumi said, kind of confused. Hisoka immediately burst out in laughter.  
  
"Dear Illumi," he eventually said while wiping a tear from the corner of his eyes. "Your grandfather wants us to get _high?"_  
  
"I suppose so," Illumi blinked. "He said I seemed –" when he realized what he was about to say, he stopped. Hisoka couldn't know.  
  
"You seemed..?" Hisoka pulled him onto his lap.  
  
"Nothing. Do you want to try this out?"  
  
"Of course." Hisoka smiled widely and kissed his cheek. "This is gonna be fun."  
  
\--  
  
Hisoka had been right, it _was_ fun. An hour and a half later, they were still on the couch together, feeling bubbly and loose. They had both gotten hungry, so Hisoka had ordered them pizza.  
  
About half of the bag was gone. Illumi had had to smoke a lot, because his poison immunity also gave him a strong resistance to any kind of drugs. As a result, they were both high in the clouds, mellow and airy.  
  
High Hisoka was sweet, Illumi had to admit. A bit drowsy, not as alert, sinister and teasing as usual. He was giggly and affectionate, fully focused on Illumi.  
  
He was sitting against the backrest and Illumi's head was placed in his lap. One of Hisoka's hands was playing with the assassin's hair, the other one holding a slice of pizza. He took a bite, before bringing it to Illumi's mouth to feed him – they both had a pizza for their own, but that was not the point.

"Good?"  
  
"Mmhm," Illumi swallowed. "Very good."  
  
"Did you ever have this before?"  
  
"Not this specific kind," Illumi said. "Milluki likes pizza a lot, so as a teenager I sometimes –"  
  
Hisoka's snickering interrupted his sentence. "Lulu, I meant the weed."  
  
"Oh," Illumi blinked and looked up to Hisoka. He looked beautiful like this. The sight was a bit blurry, but his golden eyes were beaming like a sunset on a hot summer night, completely sucking Illumi up, and he was wearing his wavy, cherry red hair down. His nose was decorated in a subtle pattern of freckles, and Illumi couldn't help but to prop himself up and peck the tip.  
  
"I asked you a question, darling." Hisoka smiled down at him.  
  
"What?'  
  
"Did you ever get high before?"  
  
"No. Did you?"  
  
"Yeah, I occasionally smoked as a teenager. It's been years, though." He stopped, kinda randomly, and leaned in. Their mouths connected in a kiss, wet and slow, tongues touching in a soft movement, sending a shiver down Illumi's spine. Hisoka’s addictive bubblegum flavor only made him feel dizzier.  
  
When Hisoka pulled away, he asked: "Do you like it?" Illumi thought about it for a moment.  
  
He was a little woozy, but also calm and happy. "I think I do, yes. Do you?"  
  
"Yeah. It's been a while, but with you I enjoy it." He traced Illumi's cheekbone with a long nail. "Tell me how you feel."  
  
"Hmm.. slow but good."  
  
"No, Illu. How you really feel."  
  
Illumi sat up and shifted, ultimately tilting his head. "I do not get it."  
  
"I know something is bothering you. I noticed weeks ago." Hisoka entwined their fingers. "I want to know what's the matter. Tell me what's on your mind."  
  
Illumi's breath hitched. Until now, he hadn't thought about his ongoing struggle. Memories of his failed attempts to show Hisoka his love flashed through his mind, followed by everything that happened because of that. He had indirectly asked half of his family for advice, but still nothing he tried had succeeded.  
  
He didn't understand. Illumi barely ever failed missions, so how could this be so hard? Was something wrong with him?  
  
An uncomfortable feeling started crawling up Illumi's skin. He started to feel very warm as his heartbeat sped up. Hisoka had noticed something was bugging him, as always, and of course he was there to take care of him.  
  
Illumi, on the other hand, still hadn't succeeded in indulging Hisoka o _nce._  
  
His palms grew sweaty and the grip of Hisoka's hand suddenly felt trapping, caging. Why did he ask him this? How did he know? Illumi started to feel angsty – breathing heavily, heart pounding.  
  
In the back of his mind he knew Hisoka didn't mean to upset him, but Illumi couldn't help his nervous and stressed feelings. He realized he had lost control of his emotions and the thought of it was suffocating.  
  
"Illumi?"  
  
"Hm?" He had sunken so deep into his spiral of thoughts, he had forgotten to answer Hisoka.  
  
"I asked you something." Hisoka raked a hand through his hair.  
  
"I.. am not feeling well." Illumi said, ignoring the question again.  
  
"Oh?" Hisoka pinched his eyebrows as he stood up. "I will fetch you some water." Before Illumi could protest, he disappeared into the kitchen. After a moment he returned, holding a full glass and he placed it gently in Illumi's trembling hands.  
  
The assassin started to drink, quietly, before Hisoka opened his mouth again. "Are you okay?"  
  
Illumi cleared his throat. "I am feeling uncomfortable," his voice was hoarse. "Maybe I have smoked too much."  
  
"I'm sorry," Hisoka's smile vanished. "I should've paid attention to that. Do you want to go to bed? It's late."  
  
No reply. Illumi definitely wanted to, but he did not want to ruin the night for Hisoka.  
  
The latter apparently took that as a yes, he lifted Illumi and carried him to the bedroom, less balanced than usual. He stripped his clothes and tucked him in, before getting ready himself and joining Illumi under the covers.  
  
Illumi vaguely realized that again, his plan hadn't worked out. A dark wave of disappointment ran through his body before Hisoka dragged Illumi on top of him. A hand slowly started stroking his lower back as he pecked Illumi's head, "sweet dreams."  
  
The slow, quiet rhythm of Hisoka's breath and his lovely kisses ultimately lulled Illumi to sleep.

* * *

  
  
  
**_Silva_**  
  
Nearly one week later, Illumi had no clue how to solve his problem, and Valentine's day was coming closer and closer. He didn't know what to do next, until he received a text.  
  
 _15:33 Silva: Are you occupied tonight? I need you to execute a mission._  
  
 _15:34 Illumi: I am available._  
  
 _15:36 Silva: Good. It is in York New. But you cannot go alone. Call me._  
  
Slightly confused, Illumi complied. When Silva picked up, he immediately started.  
  
 _"Hello, Illumi. The job won't be that hard for someone of your level, but there will be many targets. You cannot go alone, but everyone is in Padokea and Kalluto isn't ready."_  
  
Illumi furrowed his eyebrows. Did his father mean what he thought he meant..? Silva continued.  
  
 _"But letting you go alone is too risky. I need you in top condition. Illumi, do you trust the magician?"_  
  
No clown. That was new.  
  
"Yes."  
  
 _"With your life?"_  
  
Illumi swallowed. "I do." There was no doubt, but for some reason confirming it was hard. Never before had he said this out loud, but it certainly was the truth. If it were to Hisoka, no one would ever get the chance to even come close to him.  
  
 _"He has saved you before, but if you got injured in a fight, would he help you again?"_  
  
"He would."  
  
"If _you truly trust him, you can take Hisoka with you. I will transfer the money to his account. But if you are unsure, you need to decline. The family business cannot afford to take any risks."_  
  
"I am sure." It was the truth. He knew he fully owned Hisoka's heart, that Hisoka's love for him was unconditional and deep. Real.  
  
 _"Good. I will text you the details. Goodbye, Illumi."_  
  
"Thank you. Bye, father."  
  
When they ended the call, Illumi realized that maybe he had been overthinking this. Only if he really trusted Hisoka, he could bring him.  
  
Would taking him on a mission tell him what lllumi had been wanting to say all the time? _Would it be enough?_  
  
Hisoka was smart. Cunning. He was great at reading Illumi's emotions, even when Illumi didn't want him to. Besides, he knew how important the family business was for him.  
  
Letting him come along would be an honor, a sign of mutual trust and a deep rooted faith. Naturally, Hisoka would know. Hisoka would know how much it meant and Hisoka would know Illumi had been forced to declare his love for him to Silva.  
  
Therefore it should work.  
  
\--  
  
"Hisoka,"  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"Father just called, I have a job tonight. Do you want to come with me?"  
  
Hisoka immediately jumped up from the stool he had been sitting on, beaming. Illumi never wanted him to join on a mission, and the few times he allowed him to, Hisoka had been the one to initiate it.  
  
"You ask for my help killing someone?" He stood up and moved in Illumi's direction, licking his lips. "That's... _exciting._ Unexpected though. Is it a powerful target?"  
  
"I am unsure," Illumi replied frankly. "Father asked if I trusted you –" he paused while Hisoka grabbed both of his hands and gently pushed him against the wall, "– with my life."  
  
"And wat did you say?" Hisoka leaned in so Illumi could feel his breath, warmly against his mouth, but he freed himself from Hisoka's caging hold and switched their positions with a terrifying ease.  
  
"I said yes."  
  
Hisoka kissed him hard, smashing their lips together, still constricted in Illumi's grip. It was raw and possessive, with a lot of tongue, teeth, biting and panting. When they stopped to catch their breaths, Hisoka whispered, "does this mean I get to see you fight?"  
  
After Illumi had nodded, their mouths slammed together once again while Hisoka grinded against Illumi's front. Judging by his energetic behavior, knowing Illumi trusts him was indeed enough to light a fire in his chest.  
  
When Hisoka fetched the hem of his shirt before gently pushing him backwards until they reached the kitchen counter, Illumi felt a slight feeling of complacency rise in his body. Maybe this plan would actually work out.  
  
\--  
  
Having sex right before work hadn't been the best idea, Illumi had to admit. A few weeks ago he had told Hisoka they shouldn't fuck in the kitchen, but still he had been the one to suggest Hisoka bending him over the counter. The magician always knew how to drive Illumi crazy, causing his lust and desires to make him forget about his own rules sometimes. So now he had to run with a sore body.  
  
Seeing Hisoka's fond smile from the corner of his eye made him feel a little bit better. He knew his declaration had been comforting in a way. After their sex escapade they had prepared for the contract, and he had noticed Hisoka was more affectionate than usual. Sliding his arm around him and dragging him close when discussing their plan, kissing him – annoyingly – in the middle of a sentence; he was noticeably excited.  
  
Hisoka relished fighting. He savored playing with his food, destroying strong opponents until there was nothing left to break. The only thing he loved more than killing, was Illumi. So going on a murder spree together with his lover, might be the perfect date for him.  
  
The feeling of Hisoka fetching his hand to hold it brought him back to reality. After sharing a glance they ran further into the darkness together, both men radiating a sinister, dark aura of bloodlust, ready to kill.  
  
\--  
  
The job was boring.  
  
Silva had not mentioned it, but the reason he needed Hisoka was obvious. Because the targets were working for the government, Hisoka and Illumi's hunter's licenses had come in handy. Killua wasn't home and none of the other Zoldycks possessed a license.  
  
The targets were indeed numerous, but weak. Half of them weren't even nen-users, and even the ones that were could be easily eliminated with just one pin, or in Hisoka's case, a single card. There was no challenge at all.  
  
For Hisoka, no challenge equaled no fun. Taking hits, getting injured and feeling pain were all part of his joy, like an addictive gambling game he loved playing, a Russian roulette he never lost. Dating Illumi only fueled his morbid desires. Ultimately, far in the future, years from now, Hisoka would want to fight him to death, bleed out in his arms, exhale his last breath close to him, crashed and burned by the man he loved. Or the other way around.  
  
But for now, Illumi's presence only made him stronger.  
  
For the first time in his life Hisoka had a reason to care, something precious he didn't want to live without. He hadn’t expected it, but the love he had developed for Illumi was so pure and so close to his heart that he wanted to protect it with his life, to brutally destroy anything that threatened to drive them apart. Unlike before, he had something to lose. Illumi made him afraid, devoted and therefore more dangerous than ever.  
  
So when their opponents turned out to be weak and helpless, Hisoka got frustrated. He had built up a strong desire to murder, a will to create a bloodbath that couldn't be satisfied by targets that were dead in a second. The moment they arrived home, Illumi had to dodge a card flying in his direction.  
  
"Is this what you needed my help for?"  
  
Another card.  
  
"Are you making fun of me? Are you underestimating my powers, Illu?"  
  
The third card pinned his sleeve to the wall, distracting Hisoka enough for Illumi to impale his thigh with a pin. One swift movement later they were face to face, Illumi pinned to the wall with one arm and Hisoka's bleeding thigh straddling Illumi's.  
  
"Father wanted to test you," he tried to lie, not willing to tell him the truth. "I thought you liked playing games."  
  
Hisoka smirked eerily. "Don't waste my time, baby." He always noticed when Illumi wasn't speaking the truth.  
  
Before Illumi could think of a reply they were kissing. Hisoka slid one hand in his hair, the other one removing the card that pinned him before cupping his jaw. The blood seeping from the spot where Hisoka got hit flowed down onto Illumi's leg. As frantic as the kiss started, it ended soft, a saccharine answer to a nonverbal apology.  
  
Illumi knew Hisoka wasn't mad at him anymore, and yet it hurt.  
  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
 ** _Alluka_**  
  
When Alluka told the family she came back to the estate, everyone had been surprised. She had been in Padokea with Killua and his friend Gon, and she wanted to visit home. Illumi had no idea why or how she made her decision, but she was home for now.  
  
Nanika's power was dangerous, and the thought of her roaming free terrified Illumi in many ways. But after stressing over it for years, he had come to realize that being friendly with his sister was the safest option.  
  
That's why Illumi decided to visit the residence during her stay. It was a quiet Saturday morning when Illumi knocked her door.  
  
"Come in!"  
  
He furrowed his brows, surprised by his sister's cheerful reaction when she didn't even know who was there.  
  
"It's Illumi."  
  
"Hi big brother."  
  
Reluctantly, he sat down on the floor. Her room was childish and bright, unlike any other room in the estate. It was decorated by several plushies, flowers and other objects. 

"I asked the butlers to bring us tea," he smiled. "How are you doing?"  
  
"I'm good," her voice sounded cheerful. "I have been traveling with big brother Killua and his friend. But I came home to visit the family," she paused. "How is your new house?"  
  
"It is pleasant. It is a lot smaller than what I am used to, but for this moment in time it is fine."  
  
They chatted for a while and after a few minutes one of the butlers entered and brought them tea and different kinds of cookies, cake and snacks. Illumi discovered he shared his love for sugar with his sister, something he never realized back when they were younger.  
  
They had never bonded before because of her conditions, but for some reason Alluka seemed to enjoy the company. Illumi would too, if she hadn't been possessed by a dangerous demonic creature. A part of him wanted to love her, to care for her like he did for his brothers. He would catch up with her, train her, invite her over, play games with her.  
  
But it was too dangerous.  
  
His brotherly instincts were strong, but that was also why he couldn't leave her unprotected. One tiny mistake could wipe away the entire family, leave them to nothing, ending them all in a single blow.  
  
"Big brother?"  
  
Alluka's voice snapped him out of his thoughts. She had been sipping her tea silently so Illumi's thoughts had driven off.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Can I meet your boyfriend one day?" She took another sip, smiling. "Big brother Killua says he's creepy, but I don't believe him."  
  
Illumi blinked, surprised.  
  
"If he makes you happy," she continued. "I probably like him."  
  
Why was she treating him like this? All his life Illumi had been devoted to his family, loving them, protecting them and caring only for them. The family was close and shared an incredibly strong bond, but Alluka was never included. Her connection to Nanika made her unpredictable, and as a result she had been locked up in her room for the majority of her life. Illumi never spent time with her like he did with his other siblings, but still Alluka seemed to be fond of him.  
  
"You can come over with Killu if you want to sometime." Killua seemed to have Nanika under control, so that would be the safest option. It would be nice to see Killua again too.  
  
"Okay!" She joyfully fetched the tin of sweets and placed it on the floor in front of them. "Pick one."  
  
"You can go first," Illumi said gently.  
  
She reluctantly grabbed a chocolate brownie, and Illumi mirrored her.  
  
"Do you like chocolate?"  
  
"Yes," Alluka said. "I baked them for big brother Killua once."  
  
Black eyes snapped wide open. A way to a man's heart was through his stomach, right? If Alluka was able to surprise Killua with brownies, Illumi could easily do the same for Hisoka.  
  
Between the two of them Illumi was usually the one with the sweet tooth, but Hisoka could enjoy it from time to time. Besides, what Hisoka enjoyed even more was attention. Illumi knew that the thought of him standing in the kitchen, studying a recipe, baking something just to please him, would make him happy. He could just simply make Hisoka brownies.  
  
"I like it too," Illumi smiled. "Guess we have that in common."  
  
\--  
  
Two weeks later Hisoka was gone for a fighting tournament, and the day before his return Illumi decided this was his chance. He had found a recipe for brownies with nuts and marshmallows he thought would be suitable. The flavors were supposed to compliment each other, and the contrasting hues of the dark, rich chocolate and the pink, sugary marshmallows reminded him of Hisoka and himself. He managed to get all of the ingredients without killing annoying people at the grocery store – an achievement. Sometimes Illumi was so used to the ivory tower that usually surrounded him, common day to day phenomenons like supermarkets could either fascinate him or get on his nerves.  
  
He made sure he followed all of the steps carefully, mixing the ingredients to a solid dough. So far so good, Illumi placed his creation in the heated oven. Satisfied, he moved to the living room while the tin of brownies was being baked.  
  
After a while a warm, sweet smell started to fill the penthouse, immediately making him hungry, triggering his sugar craving. The further the delicious scent spread through the apartment, the more hope Illumi gained.  
  
Until the odor changed.  
  
He had no idea how it happened, but in a split second the fire alarm went off and Illumi sped to the kitchen. For a few seconds, he stood still, staring. Illumi liked flames, he enjoyed the smell of fire and the view of it had an almost hypnotizing effect on him. The problem was, this was his own kitchen and if he didn't act quickly the fire would spread throughout the space and destroy their home. _Hisoka's_ home.  
  
Fortunately, Illumi was thoroughly trained to survive in every possible situation. He quickly fetched the fire extinguisher – which Hisoka thought they would never need – and opened it.  
  
\--  
  
Illumi had managed to stop the fire singlehandedly, but his brownies were ruined. Just like the kitchen. His incredible wealth had allowed him to get the kitchen fixed before Hisoka's return home, but the disappointment of another simple plan being ruined was pushing a heavy weight on his shoulders.  
  
Today Hisoka would come home, and he still had nothing special prepared for him. The accumulation of failures made him feel anxious and frustrated, like a large, heavy boulder in the pit of his stomach.  
  
All of a sudden he heard the door open, making him flinch. Seconds later Hisoka entered the living room to find Illumi on the couch. Hisoka took the time to greet him properly, holding him in a tight embrace and kissing his face. Obviously, he was happy to see him again. This feeling was mutual, but his stacking annoyances and anxiety made it impossible for Illumi to feel joyful. All that Hisoka made him feel right now was a strange, gut-wrenching sadness.  
  
\--  
  
After Hisoka had taken a shower he had joined Illumi on the couch, snuggling up to him.  
  
"Mimi..?"  
  
"Hm?" Illumi opened one eye, he had been dozing.  
  
"I'm gonna get some coffee, do you want something? Hot chocolate?"  
  
Illumi nodded, momentarily forgetting about the fact he almost burned their house down. Until he heard the magician's voice coming from the kitchen.  
  
"Illu?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"What happened here?" His joy was plain in his voice.  
  
Illumi rushed to the kitchen, only to find Hisoka holding a burned pair of oven mitts Illumi had forgotten to throw away. The realization made his breath hitch.  
  
"I do not know."  
  
Hisoka raised an eyebrow.  
  
Illumi swallowed. Again, lying to Hisoka was not going to work. "I burned down the kitchen," he admitted. "I wanted to make you chocolate brownies, but I suppose I did not do it right."  
  
His heartbeat sped up, scared of his lover's reaction. Would he get angry this time? Hisoka never got really mad at him, but he too must have his limit. Would he yell at him like his mother did, or punish him like his father? Illumi's hand slid towards the pins hidden in his sleeve. One needle would be enough to temporarily eliminate him, and a second would make him forget the entire event. But Hisoka was wary, and he didn't want to make the situation any worse.  
  
Then, unexpectedly, Hisoka started laughing. "You did _what?"_  
  
"I wanted to make you brownies," Illumi let out a defeated sigh. "But I suppose I am not a good baker."  
  
Hisoka was still chuckling as he grabbed Illumi's hand and took him to the living room. Holding their drinks in the other hand, he dropped back on the couch.  
  
"You definitely did surprise me," he stroke away a strand of hair from Illumi's forehead.  
  
"Are you not angry?"  
  
"A little bit," Illumi's stomach sank. "You almost burned our house down when I wasn't here," he grinned. "I would've loved to see you struggle. Wait for me next time."  
  
Illumi shoved him without any bitterness, but Hisoka only pulled him closer, dragging him to lean against his chest. It was warm and cozy, instantly soothing Illumi as he nuzzled against him, inhaling his smell.  
  
"We'll get some brownies from the bakery tomorrow."  
  


* * *

  
  
  
**_Killua_**  
  
One day left until Valentine's day, and one family member left.  
  
Illumi had promised Alluka to get in contact with Killua in order to invite the two of them over. When Hisoka was in the bathroom to take a shower and put on his make up, Illumi decided to shoot his shot.  
  
He grabbed his phone and realized his hands were shaking. For some reason he was nervous, he wasn't exactly sure why. The last time he spoke to Killua he had asked him to hand over Alluka, to let him supervise Nanika's behavior and monitor her powers, and it had pissed Killua off.  
  
Everything Illumi ever tried to do was protect the family, keeping them away from the potential danger of Nanika's unknown, demonic powers. Powers he honestly, too, wanted to control.  
  
Killua hadn't understood. In his eyes, Illumi wanted to hurt Alluka, to rip them apart and keep her for his own. Because of that he was afraid Killua didn't want to speak to him.  
  
But Illumi missed his brother. Killua had always been the favorite child, the perfect heir, the one receiving more attention than the rest of them. His entire life Illumi had trained him, molded him, manipulated him – for his own good. Even if he could control Alluka, he would only use her powers to profit all of them.  
  
Illumi loved his family, but Killua was special, the most precious treasure. Killua was the future of the Zoldycks.  
  
For a long time, Illumi had been clueless, thinking his unconditional love for his brother had been mutual, like it was among the rest of them. However, eventually it became clear Killua cared more about his friends than about his family.  
  
Knowing that hurt.  
  
It hurt that Killua would pick _Gon,_ who he had only met a few years ago over him, his brother who raised him, and it hurt that it was probably his fault for training him too hard. It hurt that Illumi would put his family first, even before Hisoka, and his most important sibling wouldn't do the same.  
  
But he did not want Killua to hate him, and he hoped he could maintain a close bond with him like he did with Kalluto and Milluki. He wanted Killua to trust him. Not only for the sake of Alluka and Nanika.  
  
He scrolled through his contacts and called him.  
  
 _"Big brother?"_  
  
The fact Killua picked up sent a wave of relieve down his spine. "Hello, Kil."  
  
 _"What do you want?"_  
  
"How are you doing?"  
  
 _"I'm fine. Why are you calling me?"_  
  
"I visited Alluka on the estate. She wants to meet Hisoka," he gingerly continued. "Do you want to come over?"  
  
 _"What? You want me and Alluka to visit you and Hisoka?"_ His voice sounded almost irritated.  
  
Killua did not like Hisoka. Even though he had helped them several times in the past, Hisoka's unpredictably lethal aura terrified him. His ruthless desire to fight, get hurt and kill was disturbing, even for an assassin. Illumi knew Hisoka better than anyone, he was the only person knowing his true core. He couldn't blame his brother.  
  
"Correct."  
  
 _"Eh.. I'm not sure. I hope you understand it's hard to trust you."_  
  
Illumi did understand. Everything he had ever done to him was to help him, but he knew Killua didn't understand. And Illumi also knew he had been way too stern, too cold and serious. If his approach had been warmer and more brotherly, things probably would have turned out better.  
  
"I understand, Kil. But I am not trying to manipulate you this time. I would like to restore our relationship. You could come this weekend."  
  
A long silence.  
  
 _"I want to believe you,"_ Killua then admitted. _"But I'm not coming this weekend. Don't you and Hisoka have better things to do? Like.. I don't know, going out?"_ He hesitated. _"I want to have a better bond too, but.."_  
  
Illumi sighed. "Take your time. You are always welcome here. Just give me a call."  
  
After they had said goodbye Killua hung up, leaving Illumi a little bit downcast. Of course he hadn't expected his brother to pack his bags right away, but the sparkle of hope he had was destroyed now.  
  
He thought about what Killua said. Going out. Hisoka and Illumi barely went out together, besides the few times they had to complete a mission in a club or bar. Maybe a night out with Illumi would make him happy.  
  
Right at that moment, Hisoka returned from his excessive bathroom session. His hair and make up were perfectly styled, yet he was wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist, barely covering anything, the supple curve of his hip peeking through the split. He approached Illumi, who was still blankly staring at his screen, too zoned out to notice Hisoka's lack of clothing.  
  
"Illumi," he sang, pouting. "It's no fun if you don't even notice my nudity."  
  
Illumi looked up from his phone. "This is nothing special. You walk around naked all the time."  
  
"Don't you like that?" He dramatically sprawled on the armchair, across Illumi. "I thought you loved my body."  
  
"I want to go out tonight," Illumi ignored him.  
  
"Is that a no? I'm pretty sure you enjoyed it last night. I can still hear you cry-"  
  
He couldn't finish his sentence because Illumi's fist hit his jaw, soft and harmless.  
  
Of course Hisoka smirked. "Let's go out then."  
  
\--  
  
So later that night, they entered an expensive club together. Hisoka threw his arm around Illumi's shoulders as they approached the bar. Illumi sat down and glanced at him.  
  
Hisoka looked beautiful like this. His red hair was down in his natural waves, and even though he had put his make up on, his freckles weren't covered – at Illumi's request. He was wearing a simple outfit for a change; black cargo pants and a tight, baby pink v-neck shirt combined with his favorite card symbol printed belt. Despite his unusually normal outfit, he was still wearing heels.  
  
Illumi never told him, but he loved seeing his boyfriend in heels. It gave them a more significant height difference and that, combined with the way it accentuated Hisoka's hourglass-like body shape, made him feel butterflies, and more tingling sensations he could not describe.  
  
Illumi glanced down at his own outfit, a simple, oversized black t-shirt dress Hisoka had bought him because it contained flame print, and fishnets. Inconvenient, but the magician loved it when he wore those. His hair was pulled up in a high ponytail. Usually he preferred to wear it down, but the heat of the club made it almost impossible.  
  
When the bartender finished their drinks, Hisoka dragged Illumi away to a more private booth in the corner of the club. They sat down on a sofa next to eachother, not really separated from the crowd, but at least they had some space.  
  
Illumi sipped his drink, a cocktail so pink and sweet it reminded him of Hisoka. They sat like that for a while, chatting and having drinks. Normally Illumi didn't like crowded places, but like this it was quite enjoyable. The alcohol had no effect on him, but he still felt a heat in his core. Maybe not because of the drink.  
  
After a while Hisoka stood up to go to the bathroom.  
  
"I will stay here," Illumi insisted. He didn't want to give up the cozy spot they were sitting on, because that meant he had to join the large group of people.  
  
"Okay," he tapped Illumi's nose. "I'll be right back. Don't flirt with others when I'm gone." He winked, and walked away.  
  
Only half a minute after Hisoka's departure, a random woman slid into Illumi's booth. She had golden blonde hair, green eyes and she was probably a few years older than him, around Hisoka's age.  
  
"Hello, beautiful."  
  
"Please go away."  
  
The second she left – Illumi's deep black glares never missed – a different stranger took a seat on Illumi's other side.  
  
"Can I buy you a drink?"  
  
"No." When Illumi didn't even spare him a glance, the man placed a hand on Illumi's upper leg. Illumi rolled his eyes and sighed, and before his admirer knew, a pin was inserted into his temple, killing him instantly. Perfectly silent and almost invisible.  
  
Illumi pulled the needle out and cleaned it on the man's clothes. He decided it would be better to wait for Hisoka near the bathrooms, since staying here alone wasn't an option. Frankly, he would rather go home, but he was here for Hisoka. He moved towards the bar again and sank down on the stool closest to the toilets. Still, the place was huge and filled with people, so it would probably take Hisoka a while to get back.  
  
After rejecting another handful of people, Illumi finally saw Hisoka approaching him. He stood out in the mass; his broad, tall shape made him quite recognizable. Illumi smiled, relieved to see him.  
  
Before Hisoka could reach Illumi, however, he got stopped by a man that started talking to him. Black eyes narrowed, and despite his excellent senses, Illumi could not hear what he was saying. His body language, however, made it obvious that he wanted something.  
  
Something that belonged to Illumi.  
  
He felt his hands starting to shake, and took a deep breath in an attempt to prevent his bloodlust from oozing. His body was starting to feel very warm.  
  
He witnessed how Hisoka shook the man off and moved through the crowd. Illumi didn't take his eyes off him, not even to blink. His gaze was locked on him, like a hawk stalking its prey. After a few seconds, someone required Hisoka's attention again. It was absolutely ridiculous. Illumi unconsciously dropped his glass, making it shatter on the floor. Before he knew, pins were prepared in his hand.  
  
People flirting with him were at risk, slowly walking on their tiptoes on extremely thin ice. But people flirting with Hisoka had to have a death wish.  
  
He slowly rose from his seat and moved forward, fully focused on Hisoka's _fans._ He saw how his latest approacher placed a hand on his bicep, despite Hisoka's friendly attempts to leave. His gentle politeness was frustrating. But Illumi knew for sure he loved attention, though contrary to popular belief, Hisoka was loyal. But this person wasn’t going to give up that easy. Another hand, on his shoulder this time.  
  
The final straw.  
  
 _Hisoka is mine._  
  
Not caring about restraining himself anymore, Illumi's aura escaped in an eruption of bloodlust. His energy was so strong, so lethal and terrifying the entire club seemed to freeze. The music was loud, but still the silence was killing. A rain of pins flew through the space, instantly killing every single person that had talked to either Hisoka or Illumi, a handful of dead bodies dropping on the floor to bleed out.  
  
Except the person that laid hands on Hisoka.  
  
In a split second Illumi had sped towards them and gripped his competitor by the throat. He dragged them towards the bathroom hall like a lifeless rag doll and slammed them against the wall, so hard he heard the skull crack. Without a second thought he drew his razor sharp assassin claws to decapitate his victim in one swift movement, faster than lightning. He watched the head falling on the ground.  
  
Illumi looked down at the corpse, the deep red blood coloring the white tiles like ink on a blank canvas. His body was trembling, hands shaking. Slowly but surely his mind calmed down, his breathing evened and he started to realize that again, something he did for Hisoka turned out slightly disastrous.  
  
Illumi mindlessly killed thousands of people on a yearly basis, but creating a bloodbath like this, turning a club into a butchery without any valid, work-related reason other than his own jealousy, felt intense and exhausting.  
  
Nevertheless, the blood slowly taking over the wet floor combined with the smell he knew better than anything, had a soothing effect on him.  
  
He didn't look behind him as he heard the door open and he didn't react when he felt the familiarity of two warm, strong arms around him, hugging him from behind.  
  
"Let's go home."  
  
\--  
  
The taxi ride home had been silent. For a moment Illumi had been startled, scared that he crossed the line, that Hisoka would finally be angry at him. He was breathing heavily and awkwardly biting his lip while looking through the window.  
  
After a moment, however, he had felt Hisoka grab his hand, place a kiss on the back before loosely entwining their fingers.  
  
The realization Hisoka wasn’t mad had been reassuring, but still Illumi was feeling disappointed. Back home both men took a shower, each in their own bathroom. For all the years he had lived at the Zoldyck estate he had only known short, efficient, cold showers, but after moving in with Hisoka he had started to enjoy hot showers as well.  
  
As the warm water rained down on him, he realized that he had failed. For the first time in his life, he had not managed to complete a mission. Every single close member of the family had indirectly given him love advice, and every one of his attempts had failed miserably.  
  
Between the two of them, Hisoka was the one that was unfamiliar with love. He barely talked about his past, but Illumi knew for sure that it was filled with solitude, hunger, pain, anything but love.  
  
Illumi on the other hand, was part of a close family that shared a strong bond. The Zoldycks loved eachother, and the family would always be their top priority. Together they were undefeated, all because of their devotion.  
  
And still, Illumi was unable to express his feelings. There were no options left. He got beaten at his game by a man that hadn't even _considered_ caring about anyone before they started dating.  
  
It was fucked up.  
  
After a piping hot shower Illumi returned to the living room, changed into comfortable sweats. Hisoka had made him hot chocolate, decorated with tiny marshmallows. Like he always did. _Why doesn't he get mad at me?_  
  
"Long shower," he said upon seeing Illumi. "Were you cold?"  
  
"No."  
  
Hisoka's face turned more serious. "Come sit with me. Do you want to watch a movie?"  
  
Illumi nodded and smoothly moved until he was sitting on the sofa, keeping a respectable distance from Hisoka. They quickly decided on a movie – neither of them really cared. They never did, as long as they were in each other's company.  
  
They were watching a thriller, and Illumi's eyes were set on the TV, but his mind wasn't anywhere near the film. All he could think about was his failure, the disappointment of being incapable to please his lover. Hisoka’s lack of anger despite everything that happened made it even worse. The thought pulsed in his brain, leaving him with a bouncing headache, and a weeping, uncomfortable pain in the pit of his stomach.  
  
"Illu?"  
  
Hisoka's voice snapped him out of his thoughts. "Yes?"  
  
"You know... we still have some weed left." He grinned, flashing a white row of sharp teeth.  
  
When Illumi furrowed his brows, he added, "I will make sure you don't have too much."  
  
"Okay."  
  
\--  
  
An hour later, Illumi was sitting on the carpet in front of the couch, feeling surprisingly mellow and relaxed again. Hisoka was gently scratching the back of his neck with his fingernails, eating popcorn from his other hand. They had switched to some anime movie.  
  
After a long moment of silence, Hisoka spoke. "What's on your mind?"  
  
Illumi inhaled. Hisoka had noticed something was bothering him weeks ago, and he had denied. But now his plan had failed, and there was nothing left to try. He had been feeling very upset and it had only worsened, but at this moment he was actually comfortable enough to talk.  
  
"I am angry at myself," he said, without making eye contact.  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"In the past weeks I have tried to..." he searched for the right words, "surprise you. Indulge you in a way I have never been able to. I was frustrated because I could not give you all that you give me." _You are always there. Always. All of your small gestures, displays of affection, the things you say to me, everything you do makes me happy. I have never felt like this before. I did not know it was possible, but you make me feel more human. I love you, but I do not know how to tell you._  
  
As a reply Hisoka only kissed his head before combing his fingers through Illumi's long, soft hair, waiting for him to continue. Illumi swallowed.  
  
"I wanted to show you how I feel. How I really feel," he hesitated. "But it's hard. So I asked my family for help."  
  
"You did what?" Hisoka couldn’t suppress a snicker as he divided Illumi's hair in three strands and carefully, slowly started braiding it.  
  
"Not directly, of course. But in the last two months, all of my family members have told me something I could do for you. I thought it would be a good idea, because you like Valentine's day, but –"  
  
He blinked, not knowing how to continue. His mind was slow and he felt his cheeks flush pink. Did he share too much?  
  
"But?" Hisoka was still working his way through Illumi's hair.  
  
"I messed up."  
  
Hisoka quickly finished the braid and tied it with a strand of bungee gum. Thereafter he hooked his hands under Illumi's armpits and lifted him onto the couch, next to where he was seated. Illumi looked at him with big, sad, almost watery eyes and Hisoka looked back with a bewitching, illuminating gaze. He tucked some loose hairs away from Illumi's forehead and gently cupped his face. The assassin's onyx eyes moved to his soft lips and before he could connect the dots Hisoka kissed him.  
  
It was so deep Illumi felt like their cores were connecting, merging them into one person, telling eachother more than words could ever describe. Hisoka tasted even sweeter, softer and more passionate than usual, and at that moment Illumi knew he didn't need to explain any more. Hisoka understood.  
  
The kiss lasted for what seemed to be hours. Hisoka’s thumb stroked Illumi's porcelain cheek while his other hand was resting on his thigh. When they pulled away, Illumi said, "I am sorry."  
  
"Don't be. I appreciate your attempt. I really do. Besides, I had a lot of fun."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Your face when you almost burned down the kitchen was priceless, just like when you poisoned me. And when we had to run home after your arranged picnic..." He tapped Illumi's nose as his smile grew wider. "You're a man of many talents, sweetheart, but leave the date planning to me."  
  
"I will." Illumi smiled back, fondly.  
  
"I love you anyway, Illumi."  
  
Illumi felt his chest clench at the confirmation. Before he could open his mouth, Hisoka added, "I'm mad about one thing though."  
  
Illumi raised an eyebrow, not sure what to think.  
  
"You should have seen yourself tonight. Claws drawn, standing in a puddle of blood, staring with those dark, beautiful eyes. That delicious bloodlust. You know watching you like that really turns me on, Mimi. How cruel to let me sit out the entire ride home with an erection," he pouted and slid his arm on the backrest, his other hand still placed on Illumi's thigh.  
  
"I wanted nothing more than to rip those cute fishnets to pieces, destroy your little hole, pull that silky ponytail. But I knew you wouldn't let me on the backseat of a taxi." He leaned in.  
  
"I love you too," Illumi replied finally, heart beating rapidly in his chest. He leaned in too, so their lips were touching.  
  
"And in case you did not notice," he whispered against Hisoka's mouth, "we are not in a taxi anymore."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments mean the world so feel free to leave one if you enjoyed my work :) Thanks Lilith for the weed idea, and the picnic was inspired by my friends hisoillu sims so please check them out! Their Twitter is @illumiplays <3
> 
> My Twitter is @sokasugar so follow me if you want to talk about hisoillu with me!


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